When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
