I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
