Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
