I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
