Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Randomize
