You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I can tuck mytits in my pants
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
