Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
