hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
