I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
