omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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