your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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