I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Operation Purity has been aborted
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
