Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
