Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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