I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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