I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
