wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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