# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I'm like, not good at living.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
