im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Randomize
