Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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