but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Dicks are not precious.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
