You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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