if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
