ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
She bit a glass in half.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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