That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I have feelings that need drinking.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
