dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
It's Friday. Sex?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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