I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
