From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
