I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Randomize
