god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
