My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
