Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
