If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
