It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
