I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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