ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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