i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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