The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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