Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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