I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
