the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Can you bring me the toilet please
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
