So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
