I heard we made out
someone threw a dead crab at me
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
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