Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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