I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
