Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
