I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
