I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
