fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
