I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
