That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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