Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Randomize
